Little Lessons

I have been attempting to write a blog entry for a week now. The words refuse to come and I am frustrated because my moods don't seem stable for long enough to figure out what I'm feeling. So instead, I am going to write what I DO know, and provide a list of the things that God has taught me over the past month.

• Run because you can - and Jessie never will.
• The hardest part of a daily spiritual walk is actually opening up the Bible.
• Addictions, no matter how small, only serve to put you in chains.
• The story had to happen the way it did.
• Amazing things happen when you make yourself vulnerable.
• If you know who is in control - there's no need to worry about anything.

I've also been reading a lot of the Bible lately. I am ashamed to say that until this month, I spent far more time reading theological texts and commentaries than I did reading the actual Bible. I will admit that I did not always enjoy reading the Bible - I think I complained a LOT while I read Isaiah (which gets better, by the way) and some of the books of the Bible I could gloss right over without ever reading again. But then there were those books, chapters, passages that jumped from the page and immediately nestled themselves in my heart for safe-keeping. I'd like to share those, too.

Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." --Isaiah 30:21

Stop doing wrong,
learn to do right.
Seek justice
encourage the oppressed
Defend the cause of the fatherless,
plead the case of the widow.
--Isaiah 1:16-17

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to divide soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. --Hebrews 4:12

Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. --Galatians 5:24

But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ. --Phillippians 3:20

My heart swells just thinking of them.

That's not me...

I arrived at work on Monday morning and was surprised by a gift. It was marvelous in the fact that it was so completely unexpected. A small loaf of pumpkin bread (my favorite!), a halloween treat bag, some lotion, and a very sincere thank you note.

The gift was meant as a small thank you for all the great work I have done with the young girl I nanny. She has cerebral palsy and the first week or two were rough. She is intensely attached to mom and dad and screams when they are new people to deal with. In the note, the family thanked me for my "positive attitude and abundant energy" in working with Jessie.

I smiled when I read this, not because I was in any way proud of myself, but because I knew I was doing my job. I knew that I had finally managed to get out of the way and let God do His work.

If you don't know me that well, perhaps you don't know that "positive attitude" and "abundant energy" are not terms that could have described me at any point in the last eight years. "Suicidal" and "negative" were thrown around a lot. "Disturbed" or "depressed" were extremely common. But positive? energetic? Never.

I was worried when I took this job - and that worry only increased the first two weeks when there was barely a half an hour that Jessie wasn't screaming and crying. I didn't have the patience for this; I couldn't love this baby; I couldn't do this plus a second job. And finally it hit me: I can't do this job, but HE CAN.

And so I begin every morning with a prayer as I drive to work. I ask God to empty me completely and fill me with His presence and that I can have strength without end to do His work with this amazing little girl. I ask Him to help me remove myself from the picture, to not let my tired, frustrated human body get in the way of what He can do. And He has been so faithful. The result is a love I didn't know I could have for a child with special needs - and a baby who is growing stronger by the day under the love of and care of many people doing God's work.

Jessie laughed yesterday - I mean really laughed, not just her usual giggle. Five minutes of absolutely unbridled laughter as I tickled her at play group. What a sweet sound of heaven it was.