I'll be 26 soon. And I'll be honest - my life looks nothing like I thought it would. To be further honest - I'm tired of lying about it. Tired of lying about what my life looks like on the outside when sometimes, on the inside, things are falling apart. Heck, sometimes on the outside things are falling apart (please reference the last 6 months of my life). Tired of pretending that life is all puppies and rainbows and I'm awesome and life is great and I love Jesus.
Sometimes, life is crap.
A lot of times, I'm not awesome.
Most of the time, I don't love Jesus all that well.
Months like the last few have reminded me why I named this blog what I did -- it is a long, hard road. It is a long, hard road where sometimes you can't even see the end. Sometimes, you traverse the same 100 yards back and forth and back and forth. Sometimes (okay, a lot of times), I question the "good, good end."
A friend asked me the other day if I trust God. Like, really really trust Him. Ever since I came back to the church 3 years, I've struggled with the trust issue. My answer to her was that I trust Him for some things, but not for x. Oh, and maybe not y either. And sometimes I struggle to trust Him for z.
It seems like the longer I've been a Christ-follower, the harder it gets to trust. Maybe I'm just given bigger things now and maybe that's a vote of confidence on the part of a God who sees things in me that I don't see. Maybe the "honeymoon" phase has worn off and it's time to get into the nitty-gritty of my walk. Maybe it's both of these things.
So there it is: the truth. Sometimes I don't trust God. Sometimes I hold things back from Him, convinced that I can do it better. (Altogether now: How's that working out for you, Jess?)
Am I the only one with this problem? How did you all learn to trust God?
4 comments:
I feel like you just read my mind and put the words on paper. Exactly how I fell. How can I believe so implicitely but lack trust so hardily? Keep the dialogue coming Jess. Your witnessing to me if nothing else. Sometimes I need to see true missionaries mucking thru the trenches to believe. Miss you dearly, friend!
Even Jesus's best friends didn't necessarily trust him. I have never felt anything but pity for Judas, but look how he defied Jesus. And then they didn't stay awake... and Peter denied Him... and Thomas had to put his finger through the hole in his hand. So, um, yeah, you aren't the first to struggle with that!
For me, it's not about not trusting Him as much as it is about me thinking "I got this" and so I don't turn it over when I should, and then I end up with a big pile of poop and I need His help to bail me out. I do that a lot.
I love you, man.
You are definitely not alone. I am a control freak, and while I'd like to think I trust the Lord in all things, the reality of that in my life is well, not the reality. I too don't love Jesus well most of the time...truth be told.
Trusting God can be like fingernails scratching across a chalkboard or getting your teeth pulled or sticking your hand in a meat grinder... and I think it's supposed to be that way, yielding to God and telling our flesh to go to Hell. But it is also beautiful and amazing to see what God does with this withered, mangled flesh when we surrender it to Him, to become a vessel worthy of His kingdom, and for His glory.
~
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